In many relationships two strangers share the same bed. They know little about their significant other. There is dialog that is often superficial, self-centered, critical and judgmental. Few couples really know each other. What are some of the things you do or don’t know about your partner?
Why not spend some time tonight sharing some of these with your partner. If you can’t be honest then I will bet their may be trouble in paradise. True honesty without the fear of criticism or judgment is what I refer to as a safe relationship. Many people in relationships are more honest with friends and even strangers than the people they will spend a lifetime with.
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Relationships are either getting better or they are getting worse. They are dynamic entities and do not remain the same. Therefore, if your relationship is not getting better, it is more than likely getting worse in some way.
One of the critical issues that determines whether a relationship is getting better or worse is the focus of the people involved. Every relationship has some positive as well as negative stuff going on. You can choose to focus on the negatives or the positives. There are five ways in which we do this.
Self talk is your unedited ongoing internal dialog that you have with yourself every waking minute of your life. Whether this self talk continues during sleep is anybody’s guess. Each of us has a variety of mental filters that let some information into our consciousness while rejecting other information.
There are two concepts that have an impact on our self talk. They are: 1 There is a medical/psychological concept that says that all of the information .that finds its way into our unconscious must first pass through the Medulla, a small switching device in the brain. It is believed that over 70 percent of what we are exposed to never reaches our conscious mind and directed to our unconscious automatically. Therefore much of what we hear is registered in our mind for future recall. 2 The unconscious mind can’t differentiate between what is real and imagined.
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One of the biggest contributors to poor communication in relationships is repeated millions of times a day somewhere in this world. “I didn’t say that or I didn’t mean that.” I’ll bet you have said it or heard it in the past week.
What is the cause of misunderstandings in relationships? There are a number of reasons let me share just a few with you.
- Hidden agendas.
- Poor communication skills.
- Poor listening habits.
- Unspoken expectations.
- Suppressed emotions such as guilt, anger, blame or resentment.
- Ego centered communication.
- Psychological game playing.
- Emotional immaturity.
- Not correctly reading someone’s non-verbal signals.
- A history of disappointment in the relationship.
- A lack of trust and or respect in the relationship.
- Not willing to hear reality.
- Clouded perceptions.
- Old emotional baggage that gets in the way of the current dialogue
- Poor vocabulary.
- Incongruent verbal and non-verbal messages.
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Chemistry. Attraction. Feeling comfortable with someone you have just met. Believing someone is your soul mate. Or, saying to another person you have only been with a short time, “it seems as if we have been together for years.” What is going on here? Why are some people attracted to others instantaneously while they are repelled or rejected by others? There are a number of reasons and clues to this unique behavior.
The concept of resonance. Each of us sends out non-verbal signals that are a reflection of our inner desires, attitudes, feelings and consciousness. When we meet someone who has similar internal feelings, attitudes etc. we are attracted to them. For example positive people like to be around other positive people. They don’t like to be around whiners. They don’t resonate. Just look at the people who you like to be around. I’ll bet you have similar beliefs, goals, philosophy, background; something, but the list of potential issues is too long for this short overview.
Each of us has an unconscious picture of our ideal mate. That picture can originate from our early childhood and the messages sent to us by our caregivers, later maturity and the result of life experience or just downright fantasies that we conjure up as we move through life.
And finally our unconscious desire to find someone who will help us heal from our childhood wounds. We are attracted to someone who reminds us of one of our parents both their weaknesses and strengths. Take a serious look at a person you are in a relationship with now.
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