Hearing and listening are two different things. Hearing is a physical act. Listening is a mental one. The ears collect sound waves and send them to the brain for interpretation If you don’t have a hearing problem, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are a good listener.
One of the biggest complaints many women have about the men in their lives is that they don’t listen. I have not done any formal research on the different listening abilities between men and women, but I believe women are better listeners than men.
Kids don’t listen. Their attention span is less than 30 seconds. Employees often don’t listen, they have their own agendas. Parents don’t listen to their children they are too busy, distracted or just not interested. Politicians don’t listen (we could write a book on that one).
Do you have someone in your life that doesn’t listen? If you do I’ll bet you live with a great deal of frustration. One of the greatest compliments we can pay another human being is to be willing to listen to them; to give them the gift of our time, attention, energy and interest.
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Generally speaking women live longer than men. One of the reasons is that they share their feelings more often. Men tend to stuff their feelings. This is a good practice to continue if you want an early grave.
The concept I want to discuss this week is the idea of self-disclosure. Women have more women friends because of it. Women have better relationships with their male friends because of it. What is self-disclosure? It is the willingness and ability to share your honest feelings, pain, grief, fears, frustrations and anything that if stuffed, will contribute to greater stress and less than satisfying relationships with others.
We are all in this life together doing the best we can with what we have at any given moment. Why not let more people into your inner circle of shared feelings. You might be surprised at their support, love and acceptance.
Balanced self disclosure builds bridges with others. Too much or too little builds barriers. This is true just as much in business as it is in your personal relationships.
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Every relationship has its challenges, peaks, valleys, successes, problems and issues that can have either a positive or negative impact on the quality of the relationship.
There is a psychological concept that states, “you get more of what you focus on.” In other words what you pay conscious attention to you tend to increase in your life or relationship. Focus on lack, what is missing, and you will get more lack. Focus on what is working and positive and you get more of that as well.
In a recent article for my popular newsletter Life Balance, called Microscope or Telescope, I shared with my readers how people in a new love or relationship tend to look at the relationship through a telescope. They don’t see many of the little aggravations, idiosyncrasies or behaviors of their partner that might otherwise upset or cause them stress. In a relationship that is failing the parties tend to look at the relationship through a microscope, micro-managing every little word, behavior, though and issue.
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Everyone is doing the best they can at any given moment given their awareness, skills, experience and knowledge. If this is true why does people’s behavior sometimes affect us the way it does? There are a number of reasons:
- We have expectations of them.
- We have our own “stuff” that we are dealing with.
- We have more or less of a history with the person.
- We have an erroneous definition of faults.
- We are masters at projection and mirroring.
- We don’t take the responsibility for our contribution to the problem or issue.
If there is an inconsistency between a persons behavior and their words, the behavior will always be a more accurate reflection of where they are in consciousness than the words they use. The reason for this is that words are a conscious act and behavior is generally an unconscious act. Note I said generally. Many people consciously behave in certain ways because they are trying to send a message to the other person. They may say, “I love you” for example, but their behavior or actions are totally contradictory to the words they are choosing to use…….
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An anchor in a relationship is something that triggers a past memory, positive or negative. You don’t here very much relationship advice about this topic, so here’s an example: If your hand gets squeezed whenever your partner says something loving, a simple squeezing of your hand in the future can bring back those positive thoughts and feelings. Now if your hand gets slapped, even in a non-violent way, when you had an argument with your partner; having your hand slapped in the future can bring back those negative thoughts and feelings.
No relationship is perfect, they have all had their ups and downs, good times and bad times, to some degree or another. You have a chance to create both positive and negative anchors in your life. Most people create these in their sub-conscience; but if you want to have control of them instead of them controlling you, then you need to be aware of them. I doubt anyone would disagree with having positive anchors, but I’m sure we all have negative ones that we would like to get rid of.
Read the full original article here: Relationship Advice @ Self Help Forum.
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Growing or Stagnating? What is your relationship doing? Why is it doing that? These are very good questions to ask and there really isn’t any wrong answer.
There’s plenty relationship advice that talks about how to fix individuals in relationships that are growing apart so that they begin to grow together. This isn’t that. The fact is that people grow in different areas, at different rates, and at different times. You can’t change that. What you can change is the outlook of these circumstances by you and your partner.
The only reason why individuals growing in different areas is a problem, is that people think it’s a problem. If you change your thinking to be more positive about situations, then the relationship will be a lot stronger. Does it really matter if you and your partner are growing in different areas of life? Its only matters if you make it matter. Why can’t you be happy and supportive of your partner no matter what they are growing in?
When you don’t see your partners growth in a positive manner, then that is when the relationship itself can become stagnant.
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Forgiveness is an interesting topic. Some people are familiar with it, some people think they know how it works, and some people have a warped view of what it really is. Hence the reason for it being today’s relationship advice subject.
Let’s just get one thing straight, no matter how much you think its related, forgiveness has nothing to do with the person you are forgiving; it has to do with you. When you forgive someone, it’s not changing what they did, ignoring it, or letting them off the hook. Whatever they did is wrong, and if they don’t know it, they will eventually; but at the same time why should someone else be controlling your emotions?
The vast majority of people have good intentions and they are only doing what they know to do. People are often not even aware that they offended or hurt you. Should you really have an emotional tie to a circumstance that only you are aware of?
Life can be hard enough without you adding the grief, pain, and anxiety to it that un-forgiveness causes.
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We are all emotional to an extent, some more than others. There is nothing wrong with being emotional, its normal; but one of the hardest things on a relationship is having inappropriate emotions at a certain activity, situation, or circumstance.
Relationship Advice about emotions is a touchy subject. Often times the people that need it the most get defensive and emotional about it.
Being emotionally mature is all about showing the right amount of support, connection, and outlook to any given situation. When a circumstance arises, two common things that happen are detachment or disengagement.
Disengagement is where you detach, put space between you and your partner, and don’t care. Detachment is simply giving your partner the space for them to grow and learn what life wants them to learn, but still caring and being there to support them and help out in any way you can.
You and your partner are the ones that know your situations the best. Doing too much can harm the relationship in the long run, doing too little can harm it in the short term. Both of you have to be in communication and make a judgment call based on what you think is best.
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There are all sorts of relationship tips on love, but today’s relationship advice is about conditional and unconditional love. Not all of us have had the pleasure of being loved unconditionally, having no strings attached. So don’t get depressed about this issue. This is meant to help you out and lift you up to greater things down the road.
One important thing to keep in mind is that you can’t force someone to have unconditional love towards you; it is either there or it isn’t. This is merely just to help you be more aware of this type of love, even though I’m sure you have heard about it in the past. The more you hear about something, the more aware you are, and the better off you become.
The perfect example of unconditional love is God. According to the Bible, God is Love, we were made in the likeness of God, and we are suppose to strive to be Christ like; therefore we are love also. But we all know that we aren’t perfect, so we are only love if we choose to be.
You should love someone for who they are and who they are becoming. When you love someone when they lose weight, keep the house clean, make more money, are nicer to you, etc; you are only setting a relationship up to fail eventually.
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This relationship advice is to help you realize what romance actually is and what its not. Over time you might of noticed that you and your partner have settled into a relaxed state in your relationship. No longer taking that extra step or doing that extra act that you know your partner likes. All relationships go through a “honeymoon” period; some last longer than others, and after this period is when things often get a little harder in the relationship. It’s easy to let the romance die, but we often do it without even being conscious of it at first.
Romance can best be described as an attitude. You have probably heard other people say “let’s go do something romantic”. They are obviously confused about what romance truly is. It’s not their fault, they aren’t bad people for thinking that way; a good majority of individuals have this thought process. The reality is that any act can be romantic. Dressing up and going out to a fancy restaurant can be romantic, as well as sitting at home in pajamas and watching TV can be too. Don’t get me wrong, actions can be nice; but the act itself isn’t as important as how you think about it and your partner.
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